I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
