Your mouth is God's brothel.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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