I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Four minutes until I can fart!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
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This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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