I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
love makes seman taste better
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
