WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
