so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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