Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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