Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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