I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
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No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
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I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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