my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The uberlube is also flammable
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
