it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
