i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
