allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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