i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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