why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
