Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
