You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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