There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
