two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
