I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
