Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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