did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
