I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
