i jhust puked up my retainher.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
