just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
