I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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