I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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