Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
