My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
