I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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