I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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