Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i believe in u and ur pee
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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