its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
