I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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