i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
