Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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