The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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