please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
