I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
