Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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