Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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