I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
