Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
