i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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