she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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