if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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