he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
