dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
