my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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