I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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