my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
