You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
