my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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