If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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