You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
