Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
