I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
