You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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