Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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