I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
